Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
