I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
