i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
