is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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