Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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