I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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