Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
