oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
