Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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