no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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