chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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