just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
