The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
