I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
