Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
