Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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