wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
