You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
