Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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