im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
