so that wasnt chicken after all
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
