I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
