I'm going to jail i love you
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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