the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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