They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
