Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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