I bet he comes in French.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
