On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
