I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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