Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
