so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
