I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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