You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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