I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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