Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
