Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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