This is not my ceiling
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
