btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
