pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
