1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
