Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
