you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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