a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
dude. I can hear the air.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
