My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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