Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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