You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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