Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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