Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
