I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
