I could have mohawked her pubes.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
