It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
