I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
