Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
