why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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